Quick update, then the reason for my post:
We are doing okay. Still living with Matt's parents. So grateful for that. Matt has been busy with work almost every single day since we moved here. SO grateful for that. I interviewed for a position at DePaul Univeristy in Chicago this week. Keeping my fingers crossed. Also had a screening interview with my childhood school district a few weeks ago. Hopefully I will hear if I passed the screening next week. Wrigley is doing good, too. We're hopeful that we'll be able to get on our own again soon.
Now the reason for the post:
I had a dream last night.
The setting was in Minnesota on the lake where my family always rents a cabin. All my family - aunts, uncles, cousins - were there. I had a new camera. My dream camera. I was taking pictures of everything. Scenery. Family members. Candids. Silly poses. Everything.
In the dream I saw my uncle Mike standing by some small fishing boats that were pulled up on the beach. The boats were laying open, but I couldn't see inside. My uncle was standing with his back to the boats, and he was talking and laughing, seemingly, to himself as he stared out at the lake. I snapped a few shots of him on my camera. Everything was just so peaceful.
I took a few steps toward my uncle and saw someone reclining inside the boats on my left. It was my dad. He and my uncle (best friends, btw) were talking and laughing. Just like always. Frantically, I began pointing my camera in my dad's direction. But when I pressed the button, it wouldn't work. My dad started talking to me. I couldn't understand what he was saying but his calm, soothing voice seemed to urge me to try again. We moved to a different location in the dream. Dad kept smiling for the camera, but it never worked. The only feeling I had was heartbroken.
I woke up. Matt and I are in Denver this weekend for our niece's baby blessing (his brother's baby). All of the family is here with us. So I woke up from this dream in a hotel. It was still the middle of the night, so I fell back asleep. But all day I can't shake the dream from my head. Mostly, what I can't shake is the reality that there will be no more pictures of my dad. We're going back to Minnesota this summer so my mom can leave some of his ashes in his favorite places. He won't be in any pictures from that trip. His grandsons (and future grandchildren) will not have any more photos with their Papa. I won't get to see his crystal blue eyes staring back at me in his self-photos on my camera anymore. The finality of all that just hit me hard today.
3 comments:
Oh Shannon, I know exactly how you feel. It will get easier, I promise. I'm at the point now, 2.5 years after my dad's death, where I can remember him and smile instead of cry every time. But I do still cry every once in a while. I do stare at his picture often, and re-read posts or stories about him frequently. Hugs to you and hang in there!
Thanks Christine!
I know just how you feel. About a year ago I lost a cousin who was very dear to me and the closest thing I had to a brother. Sometimes I will see something or hear a song that reminds me of him and I will just start crying. It always seems to happen at the most inconvenient times and Carson has gotten to the point that when he sees me cry, he'll say, "You are thinking about your cousin again, aren't you Mommy." Sometimes I think its a good thing because it keeps his memory fresh in my mind. Hugs to you as you go through this difficult time!
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